


Can you even find the one who dyed his red heart to black?

by Anonymous



Category: Blood of Eden Series - Julie Kagawa
Genre: Gen, Jackal is traumatized but kanin is traumatized too, Kanin done fucked up in the past, Oh wait actual tags, Quarantine has gotten to me, Regret, Sadness, low quality of writing, set during the third book after Zeke comes back I think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:53:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24539566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Kanin recalls the days when he had seen James happy. The days when he might have called him a friend. Back then, he’d known James well enough to tell when he was telling a half truth. Now, he wasn’t entirely sure, but something felt off. He felt as if he was missing something.
Relationships: Jackal & Kanin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 6
Collections: Anonymous





	Can you even find the one who dyed his red heart to black?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Jordan_Marine](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jordan_Marine/gifts).
  * Inspired by [(don't you dare) End up Like Me](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23813374) by [Jordan_Marine](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jordan_Marine/pseuds/Jordan_Marine). 



> Wow I’ve been thinking about this fandom a lot ever since coronavirus started lmao. Some of the details relating to plot might be off since I haven’t read the books in a while. Additionally, I’m not very good at writing and I don’t write fanfictions often, so go easy on me!
> 
> Also the title is from by lost one’s weeping, the song reminded me a little bit of Jackal.
> 
> This work was also heavily inspired by another work (listed above), it’s really good and it’s written way better than this, so you should check it out! Also this just makes more sense if you read that first lol.

Kanin can’t help but feel slightly apprehensive around the new Ezekiel. He doesn’t say anything, but he feels as if he’s watching a car crash in slow motion. Allison’s struggle to fix Ezekiel- to put the broken pieces of human Zeke back together again- seems hopeless to him.

Kanin feels somewhat obliged to say something— he is the oldest and wisest, after all. But he refrains. Ezekiel isn’t his responsibility (thankfully). He thinks it’s probably for the best anyway, considering he’d likely end up messing up Ezekiel even more.  


••• 

“Are you going to  do _anything_ about the puppy?” James suddenly asks, while they’re walking behind Allison and Ezekiel.

_ No. Why would you rely on someone like me to fix him? Even  you _ _would be more suited to the task_ ,  he thinks, but doesn’t say aloud. 

Kanin pauses before responding. 

“Nothing can be done until he accepts what he is. You cannot help someone who refuses aid.”

“That’s bullshit! Allie has no idea what she’s dealing with, Zeke can’t exactly fix himself, so that leaves  you.  It’s like you’re inviting him to— to—” James cuts himself off, choosing to angrily glare at him instead. 

Kanin stares at him calmly— it never fails to set James on edge. He doesn’t  _want_ to exploit how easy it is for him to gain the upper hand in a conversation (just force the emotions of someone else out in theopen while hiding your own, it’s simple after enough practice); but it’s easier, especially when he feels uncertain. 

“I’d almost think you care about him,” Kanin says blandly. He wants a denial— more than that, he wants solid proof that James is beyond saving. Proof that he made the right choice, for once. 

“We need as many people as possible to stop Sarren, and if Zeke goes crazy and dies, Allison’s going to implode. Again. Just because I don’t have a singular redeeming quality doesn’t mean I’m an idiot. So  help him. ”

Kanin stays silent, carefully not changing his facial expression. _He sounds like he’s talking about himself. Did I hurt him that badly?_

“Right. I forgot. You only help people who aren’t  _messy_.  You just _dispose_ of everyone else. Maybe Sarren and I can get a club together:  deemed unworthy of life by Kanin  support group. Meetings on the new moon, bring your own blood bag,” James says bitterly.

“I have thought over your situation many times in the past fifteen years, James,” Kanin says, feeling slightly provoked.  “I’m not an idiot. I see the apathy and the forceful disconnect from his past. I know that you experienced the same thing, when adjusting to being a vampire. But you’ve always been... cold-hearted, in a way. Even when you were a human. He won’t turn down the path you did.”

  
“I’m not worried he’ll take my place as raider king. I’m worried that he’s going to drive himself insane, and then he’ll be useless and break Allison’s heart for a second time. You still care about  _her,_ at least, don’t you?” James responds, sounding annoyed and worried a tiny bit jealous.

Kanin almost sighs. He is  _tired_ of having to think about this topic. He can’t just  _fix_ people, he’d already tried and failed. Why would anyone even think he is the right person for this? 

Kanin’s internal filter finally breaks down. “You’ve changed.” Jackal scowls, obviously waiting for more of an answer. 

“I cannot help what I don’t  understand,  so I cannot give aid to Ezekiel. But... you might be able to in a way neither Allison nor I can.”

James abruptly stops walking. “What the  fuck  do you mean?” He says loudly. Kanin turns to face him. Up ahead, Alison and Ezekiel turn to look at them curiously.

James lowers his voice cautiously, glancing at Allison and Ezekiel. “Why am I, the homicidal raider king, the best person for this job? If I had any way to fix his situation, don’t you think I would’ve fixed my situation fifteen years ago and maybe, just maybe,  not  been like this? Believe it or not, I didn’t wake up one day and decide to—“ he pauses. “—make an army out of the people who murdered my family.” 

Kanin recalls the days when he had seen James happy. The days when he might have called him a  _friend_ . Back then, he’d known James well enough to tell when he was telling a half truth. Now, he isn’t entirely sure, but something feels off. He feels as if he’s missing something. 

“Is there something about yourself you’re not telling me?” he asked. James scowls. “It feels that we’re trying to solve different issues.”

Kanin didn’t get a response. James just glares at him and walks away, ignoring questions from Allison. It was probably his own fault, he couldn’t exactly expect James to trust him anymore. 

•••

Kanin runs the conversation over in his head a few times. He  had thought a lot about what had happened then. If he was being honest, he was scared of another problem he could never fix. But he had to admit it, at least to himself, he had messed up. 

Before he can think to much more about it, James starts yelling at Ezekiel, and then Allison. Kanin has half a mind to stop him, it seems too harsh. But maybe that is a good thing— perhaps Ezekiel needs it. Before he can make up his mind, it’s over and Allison and Ezekiel leave to speak on their own. 

James stays behind. Kanin doesn’t look at him directly, but he can see him screaming incoherently in his peripheral view. He mutters something Kanin can’t make out, then raises his voice. “So did I pass? Did I fix what you were too afraid to even  touch,  in case you sullied yourself with another broken thing?”

“Time will tell,” Kanin can hear how condescending it sounds, but he doesn’t  _know_ . He would have thought that James, of all people, would know that he doesn’t have all the answers. “You seem to have broken his spell, for now. I can only hope that Allison can take it from here.”

“Right. Allison. The one who has no idea what she’s doing,” Jackal said. “I’ll save Ezekiel a spot in Sarren and mine’s support group. Maybe he’ll be more amusing once he goes off the deep end.”

Kanin sighs, giving himself a moment to think. “I told you that I’ve thought about you, in the past fifteen years,” Kanin said, standing. “I don’t think you’re a lost cause,  Jackal.”

He’s too busy thinking about how strange it feels to admit that out loud to notice the effect the name has on the raider king.

“Could’ve fooled me when you  _literally_ stabbed me in the back. Y’know. When I was kneeling on the ground and not looking at you, because I trusted you,” James (Jackal?) says.

“I have spent much of my time thinking of what I could’ve done differently. I know now that I was wrong to leave you when you were…” Kanin trails off, looking for the right word. 

“Inconvenient?”

“Lost.”

“I don’t need your pity. It’s condescending. And I don’t need to see the error of my ways about my raider army, either, or learn that humans are just as good as vampires, because I stand by the fact that they  _aren’t_ ,  and that killing them when they’re twenty or eighty doesn’t make a fucking difference. They’re all just meat.”

Kanin didn’t say anything for a moment. He’d wanted to apologize, not lecture someone who wouldn’t listen. Kanin knows better than to listen to everything Jackal says to hide his true feelings, by now. “What do you need, then?”

“What?”

“You’re afraid of Ezekiel ending up like you. There’s something about you that you don’t want him to imitate, and that you haven’t told me about. What do you need, for you to put that part of you to rest?” Kanin says. He wants to tell Jackal that he’s  trying  to help him now, and it would be easier if he would just _say_ what was wrong. 

“I need you to keep Ezekiel in his own head, because no matter what Allison tells him, if people aren’t careful he’s going to turn out in a way that you and Allison and I don’t want. And I need you to…” he trails off. 

“Look. It’s been a weird night all around. Just let me sleep.” 

Kanin nods, and James leaves. It feels like he’s failed again. 

•••

The next day, all is back to normal. Kanin doesn’t say anything (because he doesn’t know what to say). A quick glance at James tells him that he doesn’t want to acknowledge what happened— so Kanin doesn’t. He doesn’t call him Jackal either. 

Kanin wants to tell him that he’s sorry, he knows he’s too late, he wants to help. He doesn’t say that out loud. What he  _does_ do, however, is silently watch over Ezekiel; because he has a chance now, because he owes that much to the raider king, because he wants to do something  _right_ , and this is his chance. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!! Lol I have a lot of trouble with both writing and characterization (aka everything) so this was pretty hard to write. I kinda hc that Kanin is a little traumatized from his past, because tbh who wouldn’t be traumatized from that.


End file.
